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Bob the WonderClown

[ website | Narcissus ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

An April Fool's Joke? [Apr. 1st, 2005|01:44 pm]
Bob the WonderClown
Howdy, strangers! Just thought I should let you all know that the most eligible bachelor this side of my keyboard is taking himself off the market. Jill and I got engaged this week. Don't believe me? Yeah, it's April 1, and given that I've been known to post some pretty mean April Fool's jokes in the past, you would be wise to doubt my sincerity. But I can show you pictures of the ring if that will help.

Yeah, it's for real.
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I'm the Baddest Mo' Fo' in Hot Topic [Dec. 10th, 2004|09:04 pm]
Bob the WonderClown
Hi all, long time no post and all that. Anyway, I came across something mighty amusing today: some guy with a blog on xanga.com calling himself "Malachi The Almighty" made an entry a few months ago in which he stole a picture of me from my website and made up a story about meeting me in Hot Topic and then getting into a brawl with me. Apparently, I won, because he ended up with a bunch of stitches and a swollen eye, and I didn't feel a thing. In fact, I don't even remember the incident. Because he made it up. I have no idea who this guy is. I doubt we even live in the same state, and I certainly haven't been inside a Hot Topic recently.

Go see for yourself.

The picture he stole is one I took of myself about a year and a half ago in a stupid "badass" pose. You can see it on my website. (Yeah, it's a really stupid picture, I know.)

I love that we had our little scuffle at Hot Topic. That's hilarious. Classic. I'm still chuckling.

In other news that isn't nearly so amusing, I've been baking a lot of sourdough bread recently, I broke my oven, and then, just about 10 minutes ago, I fixed my oven. Quite the handy man with the hands, if I do say so myself. I'm pretty good in a fight too, or so rumor has it. Too bad I'm a "goddam conservative punk".

Oh, I can't stop laughing. It hurts. He's got me in stitches!
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Time is a social construct [Sep. 2nd, 2004|10:02 pm]
Bob the WonderClown
OK, so I've been conspicuously absent from LiveJournal for, um, a long time now. But, for better or for worse, several of my inexplicably loyal readers have pestered me into returning. At least for one post.

So check out what I've been spending my time on. It's really cool.Collapse )

This weekend, happily, I am going on a well-deserved vacation. VAY-KAY-SHUN. Island. Beaches. Boardwalk. That sort of thing. (No hurricanes.)

When I return, will I post again to LJ? Or will I disappear again into apparent oblivion, only to resurface once more when you least expect it? Only time will tell...
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And ye shall tremble [Feb. 5th, 2004|01:15 pm]
Bob the WonderClown
[Current Mood |hungryhungry]
[Current Music |Sixteen Horsepower - Black Soul Choir]

I have mastered the art of Oven Spring.

oven spring, n. The very rapid rise that occurs when yeast bread is first placed in a hot oven, caused by the final passionate respiration of millions of yeast cells as their lives climax in an orgasmic metabolic rush brought on by the heat of the oven, just before the dough reaches approximately 130 degress Fahrenheit (54 C), at which point their brief existences of unknowing servitude are brought to a rapid and violent end. Oven spring is maximized by proper dough consistency, kneading, fermentation, and loaf formation, resulting in an elastic dough with a tight-wound but extensible gluten network surrounding pockets of fermentation gasses, resulting in a spring-like expansion in the oven.

FEAR ME! FEAR ME AND MY ENORMOUS, LOFTY LOAVES!
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I don't call... I don't write... [Jan. 31st, 2004|03:22 pm]
Bob the WonderClown
[Current Mood |Look how dead I'm not]

I'm sure you've all been waiting with bated breath for an update on my life, so here it is, at long last.

I done found me a womanCollapse )

I'm working two jobs (sort of)Collapse )

I broke my toeCollapse )

And that's about all the news fit to print. I will attempt to update more regularly. I seem to be settling into a routine now which will afford me a little more spare time, I promise.
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I am not dead. [Jan. 12th, 2004|01:13 am]
Bob the WonderClown
[Current Mood |not dead]

I am not dead. More later.
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Gives new meaning to the term... [Sep. 18th, 2003|08:27 pm]
Bob the WonderClown
[Current Mood |My butt hurts from sitting on it all day]
[Current Music |Francis Dunnery - Too Much Saturn]

If I had this plate, I think I'd serve dinner on it whenever I had company over. It would be an excellent conversation starter, if nothing else.

I have added the inscription ("Ogni homo me guarda come fosse una testa de cazi") to my profile page, which I think is rather appropriate, don't you?

Thanks to deftly for the linkage.
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(no subject) [Sep. 18th, 2003|04:03 pm]
Bob the WonderClown
[Current Music |Explosions, more wind]

*BOOM*
*BOOM*
*BOOM*

[That was the sound of three electrical transformers exploding, in quick succession, right down the street from me. Imagine a Howitzer cannon firing, and that's about what it sounds like. It was loud enough that I felt it in my chest even through the windows. But I still have power, so it couldn't have been very close, so it must have been very loud indeed.]

Other than that, this storm has been a bit boring here, as hurricanes go, and the worst of it seems to have past. I'm still getting some rather strong wind gusts, but there's been a lot less rain than I expected. Perhaps that's still to come.

I'm going to hit the roads again in a bit to check on andyhat's house since he's out of town. Aside from more wind and some fallen limbs/trees in the road, I suspect the greatest hazard on the road right now is all the idiots.
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(no subject) [Sep. 18th, 2003|12:25 pm]
Bob the WonderClown
[Current Mood |angryangry]
[Current Music |"Wind and Rain", composed and performed by Hurricane Isabel]

LISTEN TO ME YOU COGNITIVELY-IMPAIRED DIMWIT FREAKS:

When a traffic light loses power, THE INTERSECTION BECOMES A FOUR-WAY STOP. This is not a rule, not a guideline, not just the thing to do if you're feeling nice and considerate. THIS IS THE EFFING LAW. Ignoring the law is -- you guessed it -- ILLEGAL, in addition to being really freaking dangerous. This is especially true when several traffic lights are out around town and the roads are a bit wet because of that little fall shower known as Hurricane Isabel.

Christ, I can't believe these people. They just blow right through the intersection without even slowing down. If the traffic light is off, they assume, then it's just as good as a green, right? STOP TO THINK ABOUT THAT A MOMENT, YOU GODDAM BUFFOON. And hey, if the guy ahead of me went through without slowing down, it must be OK, right?

Why does this happen? Motorized vehicles have only been present as a selection pressure on humans for a blink of an eye on the evolutionary timescale. The gene pool hasn't had time to adjust yet, apparently.
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Car Talk [Sep. 15th, 2003|02:00 pm]
Bob the WonderClown
[Current Music |Oliver Mtukudzi - Shanda]

So while my Passat has been in the body shop being rebuilt like the Six Million Dollar Man, I've had three different rental cars: first a Toyota Corolla, then a Chevy Impala, and finally a Chrysler PT Cruiser. Each of these cars left a distinct impression on me, and (as usual) I feel compelled to share my opinions with the world. We'll start with the least important aspect of a car: style. More than style, actually -- character. Each of these cars is a statement to the world; let's take a moment to listen to what they're saying.

The PT Cruiser says, "Hey! Look at me! I'm stylish! Look how stylish I am! Aren't I stylish? Boy-oh-boy am I stylish. Look at me look at me look at me!!!"Collapse )

The Impala says, "I have the aesthetic sensibility of a thirteen year old boy. I bet you'd like to feel my biceps."Collapse )

The Corolla says, "I'm a fucking Corolla."Collapse )
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